Meat No More

It just dawned on me that I haven't had any type of flesh since January 31, 2009! This from the girl who bought a whole beef tenderloin a week before starting my new diet so I could eat as much as possible before "D" day. I believe I ate six filets in the last six days of January.

I am amazed at how satisfied I feel. I am on a program of meal replacement shakes and fresh vegetables. The vegetables may be prepared with olive oil and I believe, for me, that is what makes it so easy to stay on the plan. The packets, when mixed with water or diet pop, supply all of the protein, minerals and carbohydrates that are needed for good health and weight loss. The fresh vegetables supply the palate pleasing satisfaction required to stay focused.

Despite a rather frightening interlude last week, I have persevered and am so glad that I didn't allow the elimination issue to steer me off course. It was gruesome and I certainly don't want to revisit that scene, but I am taking steps to see that I don't. I am now taking the recommended daily dose of fiber and making it a priority to drink at least two quarts of water a day. I also have learned that a well placed laxative is not to be feared, but embraced on occasion.

I am so comfortable with this spartan routine, that I am almost fearful of the day when I will begin to reintroduce more foods to my menus. It remains to be seen if I can really be the new person I am aiming for. The program certainly gives me the tools and education I need to succeed. They also supply one thing that I think may make this diet the last one I need. They have ongoing meetings that you may attend at no charge, once you have attained your goal weight. This may be just what will work for me.

It remains to be seen.....................................

And So It Goes

It's a strange day on planet Earth when this Cosmo Girl has to face the fact that she has not eaten enough to satisfy the nutritional requirements of the current food regime. The Beaumont Diet plan that I am on requires me to consume six packets of nutrionally sound meal replacement powder in addition to vegetables from a very liberal list. It seems that I am able to finish off five packets with no sweat, but that sixth packet can prove to be one too many. It's hard to believe that I am so satisfied with what I am eating. The shakes fill me up and when I make it as a pudding it is downright yummy! But tonight I had to make a double serving of pudding and It was very hard to finish it.

Wht Didn't I Do It????

For years I have told myself that I had to lose weight, I had to get in shape. For my fortieth birthday and then again for my fiftieth birthday I started Weight Watcher programs and they do work! As long as you follow the plan.

My problem has always been staying power. I can lose twenty pounds and then become complacent and put back thirty. It's a story heard all over America and now in my sixties I decided to get serious. I planned ahead and allocated money to my FSA(flexible spending account) and then after consuming all of my favorite meals one last time, I started the Beaumont Diet which is a comprehensive program that tackles weight loss in a holistic way. The basis of the diet is a meal replacement product along with strict medical monitoring, psychological support and exercise physiology.

The first step was a psych evaluation and very thorough instructions on how to follow the diet. Some people take 4 shakes a day and one meal. Others opt for total meal replacement as I did. Even with total shakes, there is a liberal list of free vegetables that can be consumed at will. A major case was made for a fiber additive to prevent constipation. Several samples were even given for trial. As a 'loose' person for many years, I was less than attentive when it came to the fiber. In fact I actually tossed my samples as they were cluttering up my notebook pocket.

My first week was a snap. I ate veggies at break and then had a cup of homemade vegetable soup for lunch. I even had trouble consuming all the shakes I was supposed to for full nutrition. My bodily functions were somewhat minimized, but that was to be expected with the restricted quantity I was consuming. I lost 5.6 pounds the first week.

Week two followed the path of week one. I went to my weigh in and had lost another six pounds. Group therapy was a delightful time as I was floating through the euphoria of an 11.6 pound weight loss! After group I had a meeting with a nurse practioner who asked the requisite questions including, "Are you drinking eight glasses of water a day? And how about that fiber?"

I replied that I was on top of the water quota and that I had found fiber unnecessary. She gave me an eye and said to keep a watch on my bowel movements. I assured her that I was one of those loose people (a little chuckle) and that I had been going every day. No problem. That was Monday night.

Tuesday on the drive to work, I had a bit of an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. It dawned on me that I hadn't answered nature's call before heading out and made a mental note to hit the restroom as soon as I got settled at my desk. I wasn't even concerned when that trip was unproductive and the business of my day distracted me. I didn't notice the time flying by since I hadn't been hit by the extreme hungries that I had experienced on three hour intervals for the past two weeks.

At lunch I couldn't finish my soup and had to chug my shake to get it down. I made two more trips to the ladies room with no result. The rest of the day I was distracted and felt full. I made it through the day and went to bed with a decidedly uncomfortable tummy.

Wednesday was "D" day. I had made it my mission to dump this load or know the reason why. I got up early, drank hot coffee and cold water, all things that had sent the "urge" straight to my posterior in the past. I even considerd rummaging through my daughter's car for a cigarette, but the threat of atrial fibrillation stopped me. I headed for the bathroom armed with the morning paper and I had a full thirty minutes before I needed to hit the shower.

I settled in and found my most comfortable position. I opened the paper to the editorial page and began to read. The coffee gurgled. I pushed. Nothing happened. I read both of my favorite columnists and noticed that I was sweating. Too much caffeine. I pushed in earnest. I checked my watch and noticed that twenty minutes had gone by! My butt was numb and bore a deep crease from the plastic seat. This was no time to be a martyr, so I got up even though I had ten minutes left in my alotted time slot.

As I showered I noticed a stinging sensation back there. What was that all about? Upon inspection I discovered an area that hadn't existed for twenty six years. The last time I had felt those lumpy burning bumps was just after delivering a seven pound baby boy in 1982! I had popped some 'rhoids! I was pissed.

How could this happen to me? I was following the plan! I was doing so well! "Did you take the fiber?" Those words haunted me all day. I called the diet center and was immediately patched to a nurse. She recommended laxatives, fiber and as a last resort a Fleets enema. I remembered the Fleets. They were the evil entities that preceded my first colonoscopy. At least I knew what they were and what they would do. I had never, in my adult life, taken a laxative, so I opted for the Fleets.

I stopped on the way home and purchased Preparation H and a Fleets 2-pack. I gave it one last try before opening the box, but ended up on the floor in an extremely undignified position. Having followed the directions I took deep breaths and waited for the 'strong urge'. What followed I'm not really sure as our psyches have a way of saving us from unbearable memories. All I know is that several hours later I was moaning in my bed with a towel beneath me. I just hope that the lost hours never hit in a flashback when I least expect them.

The pain I was experiencing was such that I was certain I had done permanent damage to my anatomy and I called in sick for work. The following morning I begged a same day appointment with a colorectal surgeon that I had not seen since that colonoscopy so long ago.

I showered for an hour but was certain he would find me unclean. The first thing I noticed as I eased my self onto the examining table with the drape carefully held in front of me was how very soft and spongy the upholstery was. Of course! They dealt with painful posteriors! I swear that the man who came in the room was no one I had ever seen. He was barely five feet tall and had the smallest hands I had ever seen. But this was a good thing as I discovered during my exam.

"Uh huh. Uh huh. You haf stool present. No scope for you!" I was mortified, but gratified too. I wasn't aware a 'scope' had been on the agenda, but I was certainly glad I wasn't getting one.

"You haf hemmorhoids. They are swollen." Oh, thank God! I was sure I had ruptured something at the very least. I didn't even mind the pain that the exam had triggered now that I knew it was temporary.

"You should haf taken that fiber!" he chuckled as he wrote out several prescriptions and left the room still chuckling. I guess when you spend your day looking at people's butts, you haf a weird sense of humor. But I knew as I gingerly dressed my self that my new best friend was named Benny Fiber!